I kind of knew that this would be coming, I just hadn’t expected it to be this early. University is now consuming the majority of my life. And by consuming I mean basically eating it up without even chewing. The issue isn’t my official schedule of lectures or seminars, it’s my own personal schedule in between all those events, that is filled to the brim with studying, reading, practicing and summarizing chapters for hours and hours and still feeling it’s not enough. Nothing is unplanned anymore. Time is money and I can’t afford to loose any of it. Whenever I intend to actually have some free time I have to ask myself “have I really accomplished enough this week to allow myself this luxury? When can I squeeze in a couple of hours of work to make up for it so that I don’t feel that guilty?”. Ironically, enjoying free time like meeting friends keeps me away from studying, but without those highlights of my week, I wouldn’t be able to function at all.
Since my last couple of posts have been kind of depressing and sad. My mood swings are real at the moment so I thought I should seize the opportunity to write when I am in a good mood before it goes downhill again. I have yet to find out what triggers my good ‘episodes’, all I know is that besides being sick (again) I feel kind of happy and optimistic for once. I wonder if anyone ever reads this or if it’s basically just me talking to myself like an idiot. Oh well, I guess it would probably better that way. Anyway, today’s shoot took place on a roof top around my neighborhood, probably one of my favorite places in the world. Up there you have an incredible view of the city without having to share it with anyone else. Once in while I go up there to watch the sun set and take pictures, which – btw if you would like to see them – are often posted on my Instagram later.
I feel like I have been complaining in a lot of my recent posts. Not being the optimistic type is one of my weaknesses and I have always struggled with not letting my insecurities bring me down. There are days where I can laugh about it and brush it off and then there is days – like lately – where things just really get to me. If I had to describe myself I would say I am cheerful person with a lot of sadness and a really dark sense of humor. My moods come and go in waves, and I don’t know if that is ever going to change. I try my best to lift myself up as much as I can in that moment, and I am not gonna lie, a lot of times I fail miserably. But at the end of the day, good times replace the bad ones even if it’s just for a limited amount of time and the spiel starts all over again.
I am not the type of person to make a big deal out of their birthday. One, I don’t really like drawing the attention to myself and two, for some reason I tend to get sad on days where you’re actually expected to be happy or excited. The big 3, birthday, Christmas and New Year’s eve are always quite hard for me. So part of this will probably be written on the actual day of my birthday and when this goes up, I will have turned twenty. Twen-ty. The problem is not that I feel old, the problem is that I don’t feel ready. Time flies and I still don’t know what I am doing. I know that I don’t need to, even most people in their 30s don’t, it’s probably the standard that I am setting for myself and obviously can’t uphold. At least, my love for photography, fashion and being creative in my own way always cheers me up and make me forget whatever my ever so complicated mind is currently struggling with.
I don’t really know what I was exactly expecting from Uni. Maybe less chaos, less people, less ‘I don’t know what I’m doing, help’. To be honest, over the past two months I have been trying to push any thoughts of the future aside which kind of works out until you realize that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. So I have also been making good use of my second trusty coping mechanism. I am not proud of it, but it’s been a while since I have bought as much as I do now. The bad thing is that I don’t even do planned shopping trips anymore. Since I work basically in the shopping area in my town, I happen to pop in and out of stores quite frequently ‘just to have a look’. ‘Just having a look’ quickly turns to ‘just trying it on for fun’ to ‘nothing haunts you more than things you didn’t buy’ to ‘I’ll pay by card’. On the brighter side of things, I have accumulated enough props for the upcoming 20 posts, woohoo.
If you look at the posts that I have done over the year, you might notice that I prefer clean backgrounds or usually any type of urban situation. I am not a huge fan of anything that is too distracting, especially when there is some color going on that could potentially clash with my outfit. This is the reason why I have stayed away from any type of greenery in my photos, even when there is just a little bit of weed I either correct it later on when editing or I simply – believe it or not – rip it out. For today’s post I decided to ‘step out of my comfort zone’ and basically into the woods by going for an all green background. I thought with fall coming up it would match my thick suede coat and overall cozy vibes perfectly.
Fall has finally took over the place of the last bit of summer we had left. Summer wasn’t really being summer anyway lately, consisting of warm temperatures and a lot of rain. So I am quite glad to finally cozy up in my knits and coats and – yes, you guessed it – stock up on some fall and colder weather appropriate clothes. I already found the perfect pair of black leather boots from Zara which you can see me styling here and a super warm yet fashionable puffer jacket that I am probably going to feature in one of my upcoming posts. Since the day of this shoot was quite sunny and warm, I was able to get away with wearing this pastel yellow tee and those cat eye shades that I have been obsessed with recently and remind me of the 90’s even though I am not really sure, if that was really a 90’s thing.
The day we shot this blog post’s photos wasn’t really a good day for me. My anxiety kept me up half of the night and then I ended up sleeping until 3 p.m and was still feeling super tired and exhausted after I had finally got up. I had actually been really excited to meet up with 2 of my closest friends, but I didn’t really manage to pull myself together. I felt like I was physically there, but not mentally. Trying my best to follow the conversation, my thoughts kept wandering off and I was feeling dizzy and kind of trapped in my own little bubble. I was hoping that eating would help (which it fortunately did), but prior, on our way to the table my coke slid off the tray that I was carrying. The good news were that I somehow managed to grab it last minute with minor spillage. However, in that movement my plate had started sliding as well, said goodbye and was basically flying off with Risotto spilling everywhere. Honestly, for a moment I was contemplating having a mental breakdown in the middle of the restaurant and it took me a lot to not start crying in front of everyone. Luckily, the staff was super nice and understanding and I got new food right away. Ironically, my coke pretty much survived this incident which was probably the reason that my Risotto didn’t.
I don’t know what happened to the German summer, but apparently there is none. What we get is maximum three days of kind of good weather and then about 1 week of pouring rain and crazy humidity in return. The number one question when planning a shoot besides who is going to be the photographer is what is the weather is going to be like. It’s basically about finding that perfect time slot of the day where it is warm, but not too hot, obviously not rainy and ideally cloudy so that you can open your eyes and don’t have to fuss around with the camera settings too much. Luckily, for this one we were able to seize the last day of good conditions before it is back to a grey, unpredictable sky.
Remember when I got my second tattoo and my mother made me promise that this would be the last one? Turns out what everyone is saying about once you got one you want more is true. It didn’t even take me half a year to figure out what I wanted next. But then my traveling came in between and it didn’t feel like it was the right timing so another 6 months passed until I decided just to go for it. All my tattoos are by the same artist because a) he is really, really good at his job and b) I wanted my tattoos to match in style. I feel like with tattoo artists it is a little bit like with hair dressers, once you find one that you feel comfortable with you stick with them. I will link the studio down below in case you are interested and live in the Hamburg area.