I kind of knew that this would be coming, I just hadn’t expected it to be this early. University is now consuming the majority of my life. And by consuming I mean basically eating it up without even chewing. The issue isn’t my official schedule of lectures or seminars, it’s my own personal schedule in between all those events, that is filled to the brim with studying, reading, practicing and summarizing chapters for hours and hours and still feeling it’s not enough. Nothing is unplanned anymore. Time is money and I can’t afford to loose any of it. Whenever I intend to actually have some free time I have to ask myself “have I really accomplished enough this week to allow myself this luxury? When can I squeeze in a couple of hours of work to make up for it so that I don’t feel that guilty?”. Ironically, enjoying free time like meeting friends keeps me away from studying, but without those highlights of my week, I wouldn’t be able to function at all.
Since my last couple of posts have been kind of depressing and sad. My mood swings are real at the moment so I thought I should seize the opportunity to write when I am in a good mood before it goes downhill again. I have yet to find out what triggers my good ‘episodes’, all I know is that besides being sick (again) I feel kind of happy and optimistic for once. I wonder if anyone ever reads this or if it’s basically just me talking to myself like an idiot. Oh well, I guess it would probably better that way. Anyway, today’s shoot took place on a roof top around my neighborhood, probably one of my favorite places in the world. Up there you have an incredible view of the city without having to share it with anyone else. Once in while I go up there to watch the sun set and take pictures, which – btw if you would like to see them – are often posted on my Instagram later.
I feel like I have been complaining in a lot of my recent posts. Not being the optimistic type is one of my weaknesses and I have always struggled with not letting my insecurities bring me down. There are days where I can laugh about it and brush it off and then there is days – like lately – where things just really get to me. If I had to describe myself I would say I am cheerful person with a lot of sadness and a really dark sense of humor. My moods come and go in waves, and I don’t know if that is ever going to change. I try my best to lift myself up as much as I can in that moment, and I am not gonna lie, a lot of times I fail miserably. But at the end of the day, good times replace the bad ones even if it’s just for a limited amount of time and the spiel starts all over again.
I am not the type of person to make a big deal out of their birthday. One, I don’t really like drawing the attention to myself and two, for some reason I tend to get sad on days where you’re actually expected to be happy or excited. The big 3, birthday, Christmas and New Year’s eve are always quite hard for me. So part of this will probably be written on the actual day of my birthday and when this goes up, I will have turned twenty. Twen-ty. The problem is not that I feel old, the problem is that I don’t feel ready. Time flies and I still don’t know what I am doing. I know that I don’t need to, even most people in their 30s don’t, it’s probably the standard that I am setting for myself and obviously can’t uphold. At least, my love for photography, fashion and being creative in my own way always cheers me up and make me forget whatever my ever so complicated mind is currently struggling with.
I don’t really know what I was exactly expecting from Uni. Maybe less chaos, less people, less ‘I don’t know what I’m doing, help’. To be honest, over the past two months I have been trying to push any thoughts of the future aside which kind of works out until you realize that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. So I have also been making good use of my second trusty coping mechanism. I am not proud of it, but it’s been a while since I have bought as much as I do now. The bad thing is that I don’t even do planned shopping trips anymore. Since I work basically in the shopping area in my town, I happen to pop in and out of stores quite frequently ‘just to have a look’. ‘Just having a look’ quickly turns to ‘just trying it on for fun’ to ‘nothing haunts you more than things you didn’t buy’ to ‘I’ll pay by card’. On the brighter side of things, I have accumulated enough props for the upcoming 20 posts, woohoo.
I don’t know what happened to the German summer, but apparently there is none. What we get is maximum three days of kind of good weather and then about 1 week of pouring rain and crazy humidity in return. The number one question when planning a shoot besides who is going to be the photographer is what is the weather is going to be like. It’s basically about finding that perfect time slot of the day where it is warm, but not too hot, obviously not rainy and ideally cloudy so that you can open your eyes and don’t have to fuss around with the camera settings too much. Luckily, for this one we were able to seize the last day of good conditions before it is back to a grey, unpredictable sky.
I have never considered myself a sporty or athletic person until it sort of just happened. I was never really the kid to be all active, playing sports, running around and stuff. More like the reading, drawing, “please don’t make me catch things because I probably wont’t” type of girl. And I have always hated running, which is something that hasn’t changed at all. The only time you’ll see me run is probably for my life or out of money. But what has miraculously changed is that I actually found a sport that I enjoy. I have been kickboxing for about 5 years now and I still train at least 2 times a week. Whenever I tell this someone I am still astonished by how fast time flies and the fact that my lazy ass managed to pull through. Even though I sometimes have to force myself to get ready and leave my bed, I am always disappointed when for some reason I can’t make it to practice. Which just goes to show that everyone can find joy in exercise, you just actually have to give it a chance and find your thing.
Even though I am someone that usually overthinks anything and everything there is still instances where I am the complete opposite and really couldn’t care less. I have always been very two-sided when it comes to my attitude towards things. Either I am extremely insecure or I am almost too sure of myself, which can be a good or a bad thing depending on the situation. Especially in fashion I wear whatever I feel like wearing that day and am not afraid to experiment with styles and looks other people might find weird. At the end of the day, people stare and judge no matter what, so you might as well just do you. Recently, I have been obsessed with deep blue sparkly lips and although it is probably the most high maintenance lip color to pull off besides red I still enjoy feeling like a badass wearing it until it smudges all over my face.
Some of you might have noticed that I have started to name my posts after lyrics or song title. I think I have mentioned this before, but I am a song text addict and sometimes listen to a song over and over again just for one line. So whenever I can find something that matches a color or a theme of a look I use it as the title of my post, almost like a little hint or an allusion. This one though, is a little bit harder to guess since it is referring to the background story of this outfit. Initially, I had planned to finally – after announcing it multiple times – style my Rihanna X Fenty platform flats. Well, turned out I can’t walk in those shoes more than a mile. I tried everything. With padding, without padding, with padding and band aids, padding made of leather, padding made of gel, I even glued a piece of felt into the back of the shoe. Nothing helps.